I recently joined a homeschool group and I love these women and their children. We’re all still getting to know each other but I feel like I could easily connect with them. As I opened my Facebook app one Saturday evening, I found that the question had been asked in our group “Other than your kids and family, what are you passionate about?” I froze. I did not know the answer. Not a clue.
How did I not have an answer for this simple question? Twenty plus years ago I would have answered ballet. Fifteen years ago I would have answered Architecture. Ten years ago I would have answered running and Bikram yoga. During any decade (including this one) I would have rambled on about my dogs and how they are like my children. I had answers. At any given point in my pre-children lifetime I knew what I was passionate about. Now I’m being asked what my world revolves around, other than my little darlings and my husband, and I have no answer. None.
I started skimming the other moms’ answers. Nature. Baking. Planning things. Art. Books. Photography. Oh, good grief. Surely there’s something I ACTUALLY CURRENTLY DO that I’m passionate about. Hmm…I live for a good cup of coffee in the morning and it is a glorious miracle if I get to enjoy that coffee while it’s still warm. I llloooooovvvve nap time! Oh, sweet heaven above! How I love nap time! I like to nap with my girls but I also like to use that time to read, to write, to watch true crime stories, or to day dream…if I’m not completely exhausted from keeping up with my highly-active rug rats. Let’s not forget about an uninterrupted hot shower or if the universe is truly smiling on me, a long, hot, peaceful, relaxing bubble bath. Wait! Is that my answer? Coffee? Showers? Naps? Seriously?
A sense of impending doom started to settle on my shoulders. I enjoy participating in these little chats with the women that I hope will, one day, be my go-to mama friends but this question made me question so much about my life as it currently is. I was always super shy, painfully shy, and felt awkward and out of place in almost all social settings. So, here we are. I’m forcing myself to socialize in order for my kids to make friends and because I desperately need some mom pals that live in the same state as me. But I can’t answer a simple question. The self-doubt set in. The feelings of inadequacy and weirdo-ness were taking over. I closed the app. I went to the kitchen and washed the dishes while watching my little ones play with each other and fight with each other. And I smiled as I turned around to find my three dogs lying on the kitchen floor near my feet. And I laughed as I heard my husband in his office, talking on the phone, sounding like Charlie Brown’s teacher. And that’s when it hit me.
This is me now. I’m a highly introverted stay-at-home mom and I’m still figuring my way around it all. I’m doing everything I can to take care of my little family and sometimes I neglect myself. I enjoy the little things I get to do for me on occasion. I’m starting to run again. My girls practice “yogurt” (yoga) with me in the living room. I love to write about the craziness that is my new life. I take every chance I get to read about holistic living - oils, food, health, fitness, homeschooling, homesteading. I’m always searching for other mom blogs to discover. I like to window shop online. (You know what I mean….fill up your cart and then delete it all because you know you don’t need any of it. But it sure was fun pretending you were going to buy yourself a new wardrobe as you sit in your 10 year old sweat pants and your favorite t-shirt from 1999.). Do I consider these little life pleasures to be my passions? Nope. But they bring me peace and happiness when I feel like I’ve lost all control over my household (which happens daily.)
I’m passionate about my kids and my husband. And why is wouldn't I be? I’ve always had several hobbies and in reality, the only other thing in my life that I have ever truly gotten out of bed for in the morning, was ballet. The truth is I haven’t been truly, deeply, immensely passionate about anything since I stopped dancing at 21 years old. I have spent the majority of my adult life just trying to find something I enjoyed doing. I was never passionate about my career. I was never passionate about my hobbies. They were simply hobbies. But when you have a baby you realize there is a level of love and passion you never knew existed. To have these beautiful people that I get to call mine - MY husband, MY daughters - is the greatest thing ever. They are worth every ounce of sacrifice of my hobbies. There will be plenty of time for me to practice my hobbies and fine tune my crafts when my girls get older and become more independent. Right now, as my daughters are still so tiny, my passion is to care for them, teach them, protect them, and plant their roots deep in order watch them grow tall and strong.
So….what am I passionate about other my family and kids? Nothing. And that’s okay.