A few weeks ago I turned 48. Forty eight! And I swear that day there was a screaming in my head that I had been choosing to ignore for roughly two years that refused to be silenced. That voice was my inner athlete, begging me to not let her die. As I said, she’s been yelling at me for at least 24 months. Some days she’d whisper scream and some days she’d full-on, top of her lungs roar. Either way, I always had an excuse to ignore her. Either way, I just needed her to shut the heck up. But then 48 hit. And it hit hard. I have a 7 year old and a 5 year old. I don’t get to simply grow old. I don’t get to give up. I don’t get to say “I’m too old for such nonsense.” I have young kids that deserve a better version of me.
So…I started reading a very interesting book. That’s how I roll. When it’s time to change things up - I do research. Let’s not be hasty - let's do some light reading first. In the book she suggests doing sprint training two to three times a week. Ugh. Sprints? I’m an endurance runner not a sprinter. And then she mentions that hill repeats are an excellent way to get your sprint workout done. Well…my, my, my. I can do hill repeats! I mean, I haven’t done them in a decade but surely there’s some muscle memory in there somewhere!
Day 1 of hill repeats went like this: I used my Runkeeper app to set up 30 second intervals for uphill and 90 second intervals for downhill. 5 repeats. 10 minutes. Easy peasy. 180 pounds of dogs were tied to my waist wondering why the eff Mom was running UP the hill. “We only run downhill, crazy lady!” And then there was my body - “Why the hell did I decide to do this????” Not even kidding. Once the final downhill shuffle was completed I checked my times for my intervals and I was shocked. Holy cow!!!! How am I THAT out of shape? I knew I was slower than I once was but sweet cheese and crackers!! What is wrong with me? Getting old sucks. Oh, well. We’ll try again tomorrow.
Day 2 of hill repeats: I turned on the Runkeeper app and asked my dogs if they were ready to go. We all agreed….not really but I guess we’re doing this. I was even slower. “Come on, mutts! You’re young! You’re healthy! You love to run! Why am I dragging your chunky butts up this dang hill?” I was literally dragging them up the hill! I miraculously completed the 5 repeats, 10 minutes. And both dogs laid down while I stretched what could only be muscles that have been in hiding for the last ten years. At least we got some days off before we had to do it all again. Those interval times were just sad. Sad.
Day 3 of hill repeats: refer to Day 2. Seriously sad.
Day 4 of hill repeats: My internal dialogue was basically “I don’t wanna.” The dogs were already slowing down during our one mile warmup walk. I was looking for all the reasons to NOT do what I had promised myself I was going to do. And then I had an epiphany. “Why not just tie the dogs to the swing and run without them?" And that's precisely what I did. See ya, suckers! I'm gonna run without your chunky butts!
Holy fiddlesticks! Would you look at that? I went from plodding up that hill at a 10:31 pace to sprinting up that hill at an 8:34 pace! (No, I’m not a fast runner. But I’m running.) What the what?? I’m not that out of shape. I’m not that old. I don’t suck that much!
I had to set down the load. That’s right. I had to SET DOWN THE LOAD. I had to let go of what was dragging me backwards, what was holding me down. I love those crazy dogs but for this 10 minutes of my day I had to let them go. Sounds so obvious and silly, right?
At any given moment, we are all carrying a load. We are all being dragged down by all the things. Sometimes it’s a literal, physical load. (180 pounds of lazy, stubborn dogs or endless piles of laundry because evidently 100 people live in my house and wear multiple outfits daily. Y’all know what I’m talking about.) Sometimes it’s a mental load. (What was I going to add to the grocery list? When is my daughter’s eye appointment? Where are we meeting homeschool group this week? Has anyone seen the scissors? Why did I come in this room?) Sometimes it’s an emotional load. (Grief. Grief is my current huge emotional load. And worry. Good gravy, I carry so much worry and social anxiety. There’s soooooo many emotional loads!) No matter what load you’re carrying it’s okay to set it down sometimes. Maybe you can set it down for an hour. Maybe you can set it down for a day. Maybe, just maybe, you can set it down for good. Maybe some of those emotional loads you can hand to God and trust that He will take care of it. Set down the load. God's got it!
Everyone is always telling moms they have to practice self-care and self-love. I’m not good at those things. I don’t always agree with those teachings. But I do know, that sometimes, setting down the load that is bringing you to your knees can be the most powerful thing you can do for yourself and for your family. Set down the load. You deserve a moment to breathe, a moment to feel lighter, a moment to rest. You deserve a moment.