I like to think it’s fairly obvious that I’m the mama; however, given my age (and my completely gray hair), I sometimes wonder how many people look at me and wonder “Is that the grandma or the mama?” It turns out, while pregnant, I was considered A.M.A. Advanced Maternal Age. It is a catchy little phrase the medical field likes to use for pregnant women over the age of 35. Isn’t that just lovely? Advanced Maternal Age. Like I’m not going to get that they’re calling me old. I was 39 years and 11 months old when I discovered I was pregnant with my FIRST child. I know being of Advanced Maternal Age is a big deal but when you’re that far advanced with your first child people tend to freak out a bit. To make things even more fun, I gave birth to my second child at 42 years of age. Really, really advanced for that one! (Now that I’ve stopped covering up my gray hair, my husband wants to try for a third. Just to see if someone would put me on the front of the National Inquirer as the oldest pregnant woman ever.)
It didn’t matter that I was physically fit and obviously fertile when I became pregnant. What mattered is that I was AMA. Any pregnancy ailment I had was because I was of Advanced Maternal Age. One doctor, who I only saw once because Lord help me! I was gonna lose it if I had to talk to her again, called me “old” five times. She didn’t approve of the AMA catch phrase, I guess. She preferred to just call me “old”. I had horrible pain in my wrists that started around the 13 week mark. The pain didn’t match up with the descriptions of carpal tunnel so I asked what could be causing it. Her response: “Well, you’re old so it could be a number of things.” (Turns out it was a condition known as “mother’s wrist.” Found that out on the internet and it had nothing to do with my age.) She told me I “HAD to have the flu shot” because “not only are you pregnant. You’re OLD.” I won’t tell you what my response was to that. I’ll save that for a later discussion. I was well into my second trimester when I encountered this doctor and I told her I was worried because I was still so tired. I had absolutely no energy. I could sleep all day and all night. My mother had thyroid problems when she was pregnant with me and I had suffered adrenal fatigue a few years earlier so I was wondering if that was something I needed to have checked. “Nope. There’s no need to worry. You’re just old so pregnancy will be harder for you.” As the appointment was coming to an end, finally, she scrolls through my chart on her computer and then looks at me and says “Your chart doesn’t say what kind of fertility treatment you used.” I looked at my husband and in my snarkiest of snarky voices replied, “Well, we’re OLD but everything still seems to be in working order.”
And it’s not just the physical aspect of pregnancy that people like to discuss with you when you’re AMA. No, no. They, as in complete strangers, like to tell you their opinions on your choosing to have a baby so late in life. How you shouldn’t have waited so long to settle down. How you should have thought about how old you will be when your children are teenagers or in college. How that’s what’s wrong with women of your generation. How you shouldn’t have put your career first. I heard it all and as frustrated as it made me, I very seldom replied. I would simply nod my head and give a slight half smile and then go on about my business.
It was never my plan to not meet my husband until two weeks before my 37th birthday. It was never my plan to date a string of Mr. Wrongs throughout my twenties and thirties. It was never my plan to have my career as my life-defining characteristic. It was never my plan to love my dogs as if they were my human children. But that’s what happened. (And I still love my dogs like they are my children.) That’s how my life went. I worked jobs that ranged from retail to architecture to engineering to project management to program management. I never loved any of them. I was never passionate about any of them. I was never trying to climb the corporate ladder and live my life for nothing more than my job title and the next promotion. I worked in order to keep a roof over my head and my dogs fed. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with the women that choose to put their careers first and purposely wait until their forties to start looking for a husband and to start a family. Every woman is different and has her own path to walk. But that was never my plan. I always wanted to be a wife and a mother. Always. It just took a really long time for that dream to come true. So here I am at almost 44 years old, obviously a mama. I have the crazy hair, half-full mug of cold coffee, stained yoga pants, and perpetual look of exhaustion to prove it. And this is my journey. Feel free to walk along with me.